Hi, I’m Samantha and I have an eating disorder.
I grew up with a father that used food as a tool for manipulation and control. I was never overweight, yet my own father called me names regarding my weight and looks. As a healthy teenager, I joined weight watchers because I believed what he said. I restricted my calories down to an unhealthy amount, I hid food and binged when he wasn’t around to tease me, and I tried wearing baggy clothes to hide my curves. I also deleted as many pics as possible.
Around my wedding, I was at my heaviest and honestly, it was then that I felt the most beautiful. So, when I thought I was done with my body image struggles, I lost over 40 pounds after I suffered HG during pregnancy. For a little while, the scale read under 160, a weight I hadn’t been since middle school (remember, I’m pretty tall). After giving birth, I tried to lose more weight because when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t my skinny frame, I literally saw a huge version of me. And now, as I’ve gained that weight back in a healthy way, I’m slowly learning how to love and accept my body for the way it was made to look like.
Today, I’m at 200, but I haven’t weighed myself recently. I average around 190, a weight I’ve been since 10th grade. I eat pretty healthy with my strict allergy diet – mostly just veggies, protein, and complex carbs. I’m working on gaining some muscle because I’m honestly pretty weak and want to strengthen my core. When I was at my smallest, I was extremely unhealthy and malnourished. Honestly, it’s really hard to look at photos of myself and be so vulnerable with you all, but I know that what I struggle with is really common and I hate being fake on social media.
So, this is me. I’m a writer, wife, mom, Christian, friend, and I struggle with food restriction and binging. It’s nice to meet you.