My recent manuscript, which is waiting to be published, is literally part of my heart and soul. I opened up a lot, revealing just a snippet of memories of abuse dispute my mind’s protest. It felt good to get it all out there, but also, extremely frightening.
While I do fear the judgement or snide comments, writing and sharing what I wrote has helped me in the healing process. I want to keep that momentum going, I don’t want to keep holding things in and keeping things private as I’m prone to do.
I’ve held so much in for 24 years which has mentally and physically affected me in so many negative ways. I think maybe I’ll use this space to share, to try to remain open and vulnerable because, the truth is, there are a lot of days where I’m not doing so well and it’s been like that for years. I’m just good at hiding it.
Days where I don’t want to get out of bed. Days where I not only don’t want to leave the house, but am afraid to. Moments in a store where I can’t breathe because I thought I saw a glimpse of someone I used to know. Nights where I have to listen to calming sounds on my phone so I don’t have a panic attack or throw up. Nights where I stay up until midnight emailing my therapist what’s bothering me, but still holding back. Days where I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and fight the urge to not eat. Moments where I slip off to the bathroom and sob because someone touched my neck or decided to confront me without mental preparation.
I hope that by me continuing to share things, others will be able to understand and it will be easier for me to learn how to not hold everything in.