An Ordinary Evening

Tonight, I feel a cold coming on, the itchy throat I told my mother-in-law I was positive it was spring allergies.

My husband decides to cancel our plans to watch the second Ant-Man movie and go to bed early. He wanted to watch the last released Marvel movies in preparation for Endgame.

I decide to browse the Internet while watching Brain On Fire, as he chooses to watch sports before bed. All is normal in the home that we live in, still sharing space with my in-laws, collecting the pieces from a rough few years.

Job loss. Death. Postpartum anxiety & depression. Car accident. Lawyers. Doctors. PTSD. Therapy. In-home therapy. The list goes on.

Things have finally settled into a routine, we both have jobs. My son starts school this fall. He and I have a long bucket list of things we want to do this summer. We might even try Geocaching. Next week, I hopefully can paint my sons room from the golden yellow it is now to white.

My husband and I celebrate 5 years of marriage this year. I want to renew our vows and get new family photos.

I’m on, I think 38 miles of my #Running4Her trek to raise awareness for domestic violence. I’ve reached out to State Representatives. I’ve drafted an initiative to protect police families. I’ve written three books, two published. If only the little girl sobbing in her closet could see what I’m doing now.

More often than I’d like, ‘he’ pops into my mind. Sometimes I willingly bring him into my mind, but most of the time, he just invades my thoughts. It’s been two years since we last spoke, and many years since a happy memory that’s worth remembering.

So, tonight, when my movie was over and I was about to get up to brush my teeth, I got a notification to check my messages and found I missed a message from him, originally sent two days ago. I couldn’t bear to read the entire short message, so I handed it off to my husband to read for me. He wants to talk, I believe, is the summary of the message.

My first instinct, what I’ve always done, is to jump back in wholeheartedly. I’d love nothing more but to respond, but I have a family to protect, and myself as well. He’s always broken my heart, with every chance I’ve freely given. We’ve reconciled so many times, only for me to learn that it’s usually to satisfy his needs. It hurts to learn you were just being used…a pawn…Disposable.

Other times, it’s short lived because you can’t change a leopards spots. I hate to say that because I believe God gives us the ability to change and be better, but as much as I trust God, common sense tells me to not stick my hand in the cages at the zoo.

I’d love to have coffee with him, hug him, hear him say that he’s genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But he’s never said that.

And I am no longer that little girl willing to do anything to hear it.

So, I won’t respond to his message, but in case he’s reading this…I forgive you, every day, through the strength and the grace of God. I pray for you, specifically that God heals you from the trauma, pain, and illness in your life. I wish you the best, truly, I hope you live to glorify the Lord & find purpose in the path He wants to lead you down. I’m sorry that my lack of response isn’t what you hoped for, I know we are both used to me responding, but I just don’t feel God nudging me to reconnect. I hope you don’t let this bring you down if you’ve found peace and grace and forgiveness. Keep pursuing Him and all will fall into place like it should, in His timing.

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