Struggling with Body Dysmorphia

Years ago, I watched a video about a girl struggling with anorexia. She looked in the mirror and saw that she was a chubby, overweight girl. When the camera panned out, it showed that she was actually just skin and bones.

I felt bad for her, but I didn’t connect to the video on a personal level. “The difference is that I’m actually fat,” I said to myself.

At a healthy 180 pounds (for my tall statue), I stopped eating because I was thought I was fat. I not only struggled with anorexia, binge-eating, and general restricting, I also struggled with body dysmorphia like the girl in the video and I didn’t even know it.

At 160 pounds, my skinniest, fitting into a size medium, I’d look in the mirror and think I was 100 pounds heavier than I was. My calorie intake was extremely small and I’d try on clothes at least one size too big and I’d buy the next size up from that because I felt so fat and when I looked in the mirror, the clothes literally looked tight on me.

Now that I’ve gained some weight back, I’m probably a size 14 and L/XL, but I pick out clothes that are 2x or 16/18. I know other people notice, like my husband and sister-in-law encourage me to wear clothes that aren’t so baggy, but I can’t. It’s so unbelievably difficult.

My struggle with body dysmorphia limits how much I can enjoy things. Some days, I feel great. Other days, I want to peel my skin off because I am so uncomfortable. I can’t wear tighter fitting clothes on those days or I feel I can’t breath and end up in a crying fit in the bathroom. On really bad days, I’ve even ripped the clothes off my body because they felt so tight, but they weren’t.

My husband doesn’t understand and is shocked when I point out a person or celebrity that I believe is the same size as me. “Samantha, she’s easily 50 pounds heavier than you,” he said one night when I said I was the same size as the mom on American Housewife. I’m looking at photos of her as I write this and I still think I’m the same size as her. I also think I am the same size as Ashley Graham, Adele, Ana Laura (model), Melissa McCarthy, etc. while I’m realistically related to the size of celebrities like Christina Hendricks…or honestly, it’s hard for me to even accurately judge some days.

I’m not the only one, it turns out it’s pretty common and most women suffer from some form of body dysmorphia. It can be something as small as picking a part of your body you dislike and focusing on it obsessively.

I do my best, but I try to not think about it or not focus on clothes or fashion or look in the mirror too long, or look at photos of myself because it’s easy to get triggered and fall into an unhealthy pattern.

My family is doing a healthy living weight-loss challenge and that’s been an emotional struggle all on its own.

I know it started in my past, my growing brain being trained by an abuser to think I was bigger than I was; obsessing over my size while I was in elementary school. Most days I don’t have hope that I’ll ever escape this. Other days, I have faith that God will help bring me out of this mindset and realize that I am his masterpiece, perfectly designed.

I have no words to wrap up my post today, no bible verses, or happy ending of me overcoming this, because it’s so constant. I imagine what I go through can be relatable to AA/NA. Once you have an eating disorder, you always have an eating disorder.

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I Have An Eating Disorder

Hi, I’m Samantha and I have an eating disorder.

I grew up with a father that used food as a tool for manipulation and control. I was never overweight, yet my own father called me names regarding my weight and looks. As a healthy teenager, I joined weight watchers because I believed what he said. I restricted my calories down to an unhealthy amount, I hid food and binged when he wasn’t around to tease me, and I tried wearing baggy clothes to hide my curves. I also deleted as many pics as possible.

Continue reading “I Have An Eating Disorder”

My Honest Opinion About Felix Gray Glasses

This post was sponsored by Felix Gray. All thoughts and opinions are my own.


I’ve always hated wearing glasses. Finding the right fit is so hard, Google searching “what type of glasses look good on my face shape” is conflicting, and honestly I’ve never found them comfortable.

The last pair of glasses I got in 2016, I was prepared to wear these 24/7. I needed to wear them, I didn’t want to wear contacts, and I figured it was time to jump on the glasses trend.

My husband and I went to VisionWorks and the experience was average. The issues I had with the eye doctor is a completely different story I’ll share another time, but I went home with thin frames and paid extra for the glare protection.

They were comfy, looked decent for the price, but within a few weeks the glare coating started to peel off! They said it was a user error and I had to deal with brand new, peeling glasses that gave me awful headaches because I worked on my computer a lot. And then my 1 year old bent them.

Before I decided to look for new glasses, I had become a fan of Felix Gray glasses – wonderful reviews of computer glasses that protected your eyes from staring at screens all day. I never pursued it because they didn’t offer prescriptions until just recently.

When I started my search for new glasses, I considered checking out Warby Parker but heard they didn’t really treat influencers and bloggers very well. I started talking to Felix Gray about their frames and unique lenses, and ordered a pair of Kepler frames.

They were so cute! I love them but they were a tad too small, so I was able to do a free exchange for their largest frame, Jemison, in “Whiskey Tortoise”. The customer service was amazing and both glasses were shipped quickly. I had no problems for my first time ordering glasses online.

Here’s what the Felix Gray glasses look like…

Not only do I think these glasses look beautiful, they are so comfortable and I have not had any headaches or eye strain. I’m not sure if I’ll ever want to own another brand of glasses aside from Felix Grays.

Here, see for yourself.

What’s In My Make-Up Bag?

Makeup never used to be something I used in my daily life because I didn’t see the point. For one, the women around me seemed to only use makeup to hide behind a face they were self-conscious about and I didn’t want to become one of those women. I also never wanted to put in the time and effort to get my face ready for the day.

Today, I’m still mostly makeup free but as I continue in my writing career, I want to present my best self. I’m confident in my natural state, but enjoy throwing on a little something here and there.

The following are all the products that I own, some I use on special occasions and some I use religiously.

Lips

  • Manna Kadar Priming Lipgloss Stain, All of Me, $24
  • Starlooks Lipstick, Jet Set, $12
  • Rimmel London Moisture Renew, Vintage Pink (sorry guys, this is no longer available)
  • Wet n Wild MegaLast Liquid Catsuit Matte Lipstick, Pink Really Hard * Berry Recognize *Rebel Rose * Nudist Peach, $4.99
  • Starlooks Lipstick, Rawr, $12
  • Maybelline Color Sensational Matte Lipstick, Blushing Pout, $5.59
  • Starlooks Lip Pencil, Peony, $12
  • Wet n Wild Megalast Lip Color, Dollhouse Pink, $2.49
  • Katy Perry Covergirl, Pink Paws, $3.19
  • Revlon Matte, Really Red, $5
  • Starlooks Lip Pencil, Dragon Fruit, $12

Eyes

  • Starlooks Lengthening Mascara, $17
  • Chanel Les 4 Ombres Quadra Eye Shadow, Euphoria, $61
  • Wet n Wild Au Naturel Palette – Bare Necessities, $3.49
  • Color Icon Kohl Liner Pencil, $0.99
  • NYX Eyebrow Cake Powder, Dark Brown/Brown, $6
  • Starlooks Eye Liner Pencil, “Brun” “Noir“, $9
  • Maybelline Marbleized Eyeshadow, Bronze Blowout (unavailable)
  • Covergirl Lashblast Volume Mascara, $5.55
  • Sephora Eyeshadow, All That Glitters (unavailable)
  • Maybelline Expert Wear Eyeshadow, Earthly Taupe, $3.99
  • Starlooks Cream Eye Shadow, Concrete, $12

Face

  • Wet n Wild Photofocus Foundation, Shell Ivory, $5.99
  • Wet n Wild Concealer, light ivory, $3.99
  • Starlooks Powder Blush, Darling, $12
  • Wet n Wild Photo Focus Matte Face Primer, $4.99
  • Mary Kay Translucent Loose Powder, $16
  • Mary Kay bronzing powder, light-medium, $18
  • Starlooks Cream Blush, Abstract, $12
  • Starlooks Blush/Highlighter Duo, Tropic/Ritz, $12

Perfume

  • Clinique, Happy, $52
  • Thierry Mugler, Alien, $29
  • Natural Egyptian Queen of the Nile (bought locally)

Tools

  • SOHO Foundation brush (no longer available for purchase)
  • Beauty Blender, $20

My go-to items are all of the Wet N Wild products and the Starlooks Mascara & cream blush (which you can get 50% off your orders by using the code samxstarlooks)

What are the go-to beauty items you use?